For the past three weeks I have been really sticking to a running schedule so that I can be ready to run a marathon come Fall. Even though I've run marathons in the past, I'm starting as a beginner since I haven't run on a regular basis since giving birth to my daughter 2yrs ago. I've been on a training plan for three weeks now. Yesterday I was looking at my training schedule when I noticed I was now 8 days late. Thoughts flooded my mind and I thought, "of course, when I decide to run seriously again, I would get pregnant!" We had really bad weather yesterday so I did not go to the store to get a test. This morning I asked my husband to pick up a test for me when he got out of work. I spent all morning asking myself if I was ready for this?
My husband and I have been discussing having a third child since he got back from Afghanistan a year ago. Our daughter is about to turn three very soon and we also have a nine year old son. We say things like well were finally getting to that point where we can do things as a family without too much trouble. Also, my husband and I met in our early thirty's and we also want to have some time for ourselves soon too. But we love our children so very much and the thought of another baby melts our hearts. Another factor is that I am turning thirty seven in a couple of months and don't want to wait too much longer if we are going to have another child. I kept thinking all morning and afternoon what a blessing it would be if I was pregnant. I believe with all my heart that children are blessings and I would be happy either way. But honestly in my mind I was hoping I was. I kept telling myself when I'm old and gray my running life won't matter as much as the memories I made with my children. My children are the most important thing in my life and although running makes me happy, nothing compares to the happiness I feel when I'm cuddling and loving on my children.
I was running on the treadmill watching snow flurries fly by in the window when my husband arrived with the pregnancy test. I finished my run and my toddler woke up in the middle of her nap so I laid back down with her until she fell asleep again. Then I went into the bathroom, turned on the shower and my husband followed with the pregnancy test. I took it and for those three minutes thoughts of brand new tiny baby flooded my mind and made me so excited and praying to have a positive reading. But no, it was a NOT pregnant reading. I saw the look of disappointment in my husbands face and it hit me even harder that deep down although I was happy I could continue in my training plan, I was sad at the same time that maybe this is it for me. Maybe two is enough. I'm blessed with two beautiful healthy children. But how can I be sure, how is anyone ever sure? What if, when I'm older and can no longer bear children, I look back and think why didn't I have another? It's hard to decide when I have this little tug in my heart that says you need another baby! So I've decided to not worry about trying or not trying. If it happens it happens and I will be blessed either way.
Anyone else ever feel this way? Surely, I am not the only one.